Frosty Cup Final

There were a few announcements from four different organizations. Total n Utter Insanity announced that their veteran forward Benny Hill would be the side's captain for this match. Benny Hill had long been a staple in the international football community, partly because of his skills and partly because he shared a name with one of the famous (or infamous) legends of comedy.

From the Nikean camp, it was announced that, after the semi-final win over Dark Outcasts that saw defender Nillinen Istel play 20 minutes while heavily intoxicated off of vodka smuggled to the bench by the Nikean mascot Perin the Panda, all beverages would be strictly monitored, and Istel would have his own bottle of cherry water. Nikean trainer Mikinen Orsertel was designated the task of keeping a very close eye on him.

The League of Officials and Related Individuals in Striped Shirts who Regulate and Enforce the Rules of Football (or the LORISSRERF) announced that no less than three members of the Committee who Oversee the League of Officials and Related Individuals in Striped Shirts who Regulate and Enforce the Rules of Football (or the ComOLORISSRERF) would be in attendance during the match. This was due to the large outcry over the Carlos Contramistic incident earlier in the tournament. The ComOLORISSRERF also said that they desired for an incident-free final, so no complaints would occur. One official was quoted as saying, "We've done enough bloody work for one tournament."

Finally, the management of the National Stadium of Tanah Burung announced that security would be stepped up for the capacity crowd in the stadium. Despite the fact that many of the fans were from Tanah Burung, who expected the home Crocodiles to make it to the final and thus bought their tickets long in advance, there were a few rumblings from the fans from other nations, most notably a man who remained unnamed from Audioslavia, who had been harassing the TnUI players throughout the tournament.

The teams took the field to applause; Nikea in their red jerseys, TnUI wearing white. Nikean mascot Perin the Panda took to the field to no reaction, and was obviously disappointed. However, he still paraded up and down the sideline with a large Nikean flag, desperately trying to get the attention of someone, to no avail. Finally, he sat down on the grass, taking out the flask that had made headlines in Nikean papers just a day before, draining his sorrow in some grade A Nikean vodka. Nillinen Istel came over to join him until he was dragged back to the bench by Orsertel, his keeper.

Finally, match official Christopher St. Grassherder from Hells Bovines blew the whistle for the opening kickoff. There was an initial lack of action from both sides. The two Nikean players in the circle made no moves, as all fans and players were in shock at seeing a cow, not dressed in a striped shirt but a striped robe, officiating the final match. Nikean forward Jerinen Istertel shook his head and passed the ball to his forward parter Kerin Irisiuene, and the match commenced.

Play was in the Insanity end for much of the opening 8 minutes. Mr. Grassherder proved himself more than capable of keeping up with the pace of the match, which favoured the speedy Nikean forwards. Idris bin Abdullah medal recepient Kalainen Mersentel came close to getting the opening goal of the match with a powerful shot, only to have it tipped by Insanity keeper Pala over the bar.

Around the 9 minute mark, play began to shift into the Nikean end. Insanity captain Benny Hill made a tremendous run around Lekinen Jaskertel, which prompted Nikean manager Jaskelainen Tenerethitel to look over at Nillinen Istel, who waved at his manager. Tenerethitel quickly abandoned the idea. Hill finished his run with a nice strike into the net behind Nikean keeper Jeserin Resteritel. The score was 1-0 to the Insanity side, much to the chagrin of a certain fan from Audioslavia, positioned right behind the Insanity bench. A fan in a Nikean jersey offered consolation to the distraught hater of Insanity.

Play continued to be in the Nikean end, and only some fabulous defensive measures by the back 3, with aid from their 5 midfield comrades, and solid saves from Jeserin Resteritel kept the score at 1-0. Alas, however, the defense could not hold a tricky shot from Benny Hill, as the man who is often mistaken for the man who shook up the British comedy world put his side up 2-0.

By this time, the Audioslavia fan was in tears. Medical personnel, poorly dressed due to the lackluster health conditions and regulations in Tanah Burung, helped him off the field. It was obvious that this man did not want to see a team from Total n Utter Insanity win any sort of championship. Perin the Panda took this opportunity to refill his flask.

The match was a yawner for the remainder of the half. When the cow blew his whistle for halftime, the players all headed to their dressing rooms for the complimentary orange slices provided by the Association of Parents Whose Children Play Football in Tanah Burung (or the APWCPFTB). Halftime entertainment was provided by local musical entertainers, who only managed one song before a drunken Perin the Panda wandered on stage to dance with the group. He soon collapsed into an amplifier, starting a fire on the stage that saw fire officials run onto the pitch, spraying their fire extinguishers in a vain attempt to put out the electrical fire that was quickly spreading over the wooden stage. Perin ran off the stage, before commencing the tried and tested "Stop, Drop, and Roll" procedure taught to all Nikean children in the 1st grade. The fire was soon put out, and the stage was quickly dismantled, leaving the fans quite bored in waiting for the teams to return.

When the players finally did take the field for the second half, play resumed much the same as how the first half ended: quite boring. Even Christopher St. Grassherder, who was charged with keeping a close eye on the match, looked bored, as bored as a cow could look anyways. Things heated up after 15 minutes, when Insanity midfielder Shin (that's right, just Shin) was charged with headbutting Nikean midfielder Akitomo Sakai. Sakai leaped to his feet, enraged, and began launching a barrage of Japanese that confused Shin, his teammates, Sakai's teammates, and the bovine official. Not knowing quite what to do, St. Grassherder showed Sakai the yellow card, warning him to speak a language that everyone understood. Shin also received a yellow.

The chippy play continued 10 minutes after this, when Sakai executed a perfect slide tackle on Shin. Unfortunately for Sakai, the ball was halfway down the pitch, and he could not argue that he was going for the ball. The bovine ran over to him, showing him the red card immediately. Sakai's Japanese tirade continued, which caused Aleksei Strekiov, the Nikean defender to run over and attempt to calm the small Asian man down, mistakenly saying a Russian phrase. This caught the ears of the cow official, who showed Strekiov the yellow. Strekiov responded that maybe the cow should get off his ass and learn a different language, which brought out the red. In only a minute, Nikea's side went from eleven to nine, and Tenerethitel looked on in disgust. Nillinen Istel had disappeared during the commotion, and returned with a water bottle full of vodka instead of his usual cherry water supply.

This was the end of the chippy play, as there was only 10 minutes left in the match at this point, and victory looked certain for the TnUI side. An announcement over the speakers announced the disappearance of the Audioslavia fan from the stadium medical centre, causing security to look alarmed.

When St. Grassherder blew the whistle to end the match, there was much rejoicing on the TnUI side, while the Nikeans looked dejected. The players lined up on their own sides of the centre line, the Nikeans getting silver medals while the TnUI players received gold. The medal presentation to Mersentel followed, and he received respectable applause as he carried his prize back to the bench: a year supply of Evisceratomatoes.

Tanah Burung President Mau Kiri Rai then came onto the field to present the Frosty Cup to the first ever champions of the tournament; Total n Utter Insanity. After a brief speech which few listened to, he called Benny Hill up to collect the trophy. Hill held the trophy over his head while confetti flew around him.

Suddenly, a shot rang out from somewhere outside the stadium. Hill collapsed, as the bullet had hit his backside, dropping the cup to the pitch. Mau Kiri Rai, alarmed that a cup that his country had saved for five years to pay for was being mishandled, and grabbed it, running off the pitch covered by security. Everyone's head wheeled to look at the grassy knoll outside the stadium, where the Audioslavia man was emerging with a sniper rifle, cackling with glee at what he had done. Tanah Burung police swarmed him, and he was carried off to a Police Hot-Air Balloon, where he was immediately taken to the capital to be thrown in Tanah Burung prison (not after a fair trial in front of his peers, mind you).

Medical officials ran onto the field to aid the fallen Hill, who was surrounded by players from both sides. They carefully lifted him onto the stretcher, which quickly fell apart. The undertrained Tanah Burung medical staff tried their best to keep him from going into shock before a replacement stretcher could be found. The stretcher was wheeled onto the pitch, and after being tested three times for stability, was placed into the waiting ambulance, which zoomed away. After realizing that Benny Hill was supposed to be on the stretcher and not still on the ground, the ambulance backed up, running over Hill's ankle, breaking it in 4 places. Hill was placed on the stretcher and the ambulance zoomed away, this time with Hill in the back, now with a broken ankle to add to his shot anus.

Fans and players left the stadium on a sour note, due to the unfortunate shooting of Benny Hill. The tournament overall, however, was a huge success, and players from all sides, including Warnocks Wizards star Ishklash the Pug-nose, who voted from his hospital bed, voted to petition to begin a process which would hopefully, if everything went well, lead to the possible maintaining of the Frosty Cup in the future.